Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
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My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
every single time
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”