When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
You Might Also Like
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Still cracks me up
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall