My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.