My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
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If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*