A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
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Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.