My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

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Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!


I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key


*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*


Me, a magician: we never reveal our secrets

Him: no seriously where is my insulin


My experience with organized crime was getting two friends to help me tip a vending machine while I reached up inside for chips.


A clown sighting was reported at the office this morning but it turns out Karen put her make up on in the car again.


DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!

ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!

FAMINE: What did you expect?

ME: lol


ME: you want a sugar cube?



Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision


Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*


I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.