@jordan_stratton

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

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@ShootyDoody

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.

@Ellierocks2013

are u in love with me? no?? *slides u a chocolate pudding* how about now?

@INDlAN_

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

@truegritrumble

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

@baddestmamajama

Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.

@Kalarlis

holy crap a guy actually gave me his number and i didn’t know what to do so i panicked and sent him a picture of a dead bird?

@AristotlesNZ

The obvious way to smuggle drugs past a drug sniffing dog would be to hide it in another dog’s ass.