During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
You Might Also Like
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”