“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
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At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
so this horse walks into a bar
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
We decided to have money instead of children.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.