My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
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WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Match dot com, but for socks.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking