my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
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Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.