My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
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My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Erm I’m gonna say no
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow