@prncss_fifi

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

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@Ivsy01

Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?

@dshack8

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?

@Mardigroan

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

@botandy

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

@retardedwriter

Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!

@Lin_Baker

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

@Lerky

WHAT DO WE WANT?

RACE CAR NOISES!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??

NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

@TheCatWhisprer

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

@don_haworth

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

@BarebakAssassin

The best thing about dating someone with a barbed wire tattoo is knowing that you won’t be known as their “worst regret” when you break up.