Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
You Might Also Like
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
The best thing about dating someone with a barbed wire tattoo is knowing that you won’t be known as their “worst regret” when you break up.