My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

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I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.


As a mom, I know nothing good happens after you hear one of your kids yell “JOHN CENA!!”


My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.


“How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?” Doesn’t follow instructions very well.


I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.


I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?


Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?


little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve


I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three