My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
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Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill