@mollandra

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

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@not_thenanny

Husband: *is grumpy*

Me: Guys, looks like dad woke up on the wrong side of the bed

6YO: (suspicious) You rolled all the way to mom’s side of the bed?

@QwertyJones3

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

@TheCatWhisprer

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

@DaddyJew

Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.

@Vodkantots

“And what will you do if you’re crowned Miss Universe?”

“I will have a special prosecutor put the first runner up in jail.”

@InternetHippo

If you bought more toilet paper than you need legally I’m allowed to come poop at your house

@EndhooS

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

@Gupton68

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you