@mollandra

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

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@novicefather

My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss.

No DNA test necessary.

@JessicaVarsity

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

@briangaar

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

@TheCatWhisprer

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying

@dollfaceiam

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

@Dear_Booze

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

@Marlebean

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

@seamusmckracken

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

@Nikkeya08

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

@nigelgodwin

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them