Husband: *is grumpy*
Me: Guys, looks like dad woke up on the wrong side of the bed
6YO: (suspicious) You rolled all the way to mom’s side of the bed?
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Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.
“And what will you do if you’re crowned Miss Universe?”
“I will have a special prosecutor put the first runner up in jail.”
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
If you bought more toilet paper than you need legally I’m allowed to come poop at your house
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation