my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
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My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
boat question
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
my dad when a sex scene comes on
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing