my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
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Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Mmmm canned fish.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap