My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
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[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?