@Heartblakekid15

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

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@cbdoubleu

Well, I’ve got to hand it to you.

-Guy explaining how the baton works in a relay race.

@drinksmcgee

Is there such a thing as “Spirit Furniture”? I think I’ve found mine…

@flashember

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

@VisionBored1

I was looking at my four year old son, and the love and happiness I felt in that moment was so overwhelming I felt my eyes tearing up. He caught me looking, smiled, put one little hand on my cheek, and said, “Mommy I can see your moustache.”

@envydatropic

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

@GingerHotDish

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

@CopBroughtPizza

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’m keeping a greater distance behind this truck with a vanity plate that reads “IMTEXAN” than I do behind cars with “Baby on board” signs.

@mrjohntofu

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

@i_Lean

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.