My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
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Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.