My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
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What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
his wife is probably gonna see that
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog