My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.

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I’ll bet Miss Piggy kissed a lot of princes before she found her frog.


If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.


TSA: here try again
TSA: here try again
TSA: here try again
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.


[School band tryouts]

ME: They say I have perfect pitch

TEACHER: Oh really? Show us what you got

*I throw a baseball right into the tuba*


My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.


Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure


“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag


[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son


Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true