My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
You Might Also Like
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
May have had one breakfast too many
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.