@stanleybehrman

My patience has stretch marks.

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@TylerLinkin

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

@Adar79Angie

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

@heymonroe

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

@AndyAsAdjective

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

@squirrel74wkgn

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

@palmersword

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

@Reverend_Scott

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

@PaulyPeligroso

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

@Shock_Monster

Him: Come check out my church!
Me:
Him: They play rock music!
Me:
Him: It’s cool!
Me: Does it have church in it?
Him: Yes…
Me: *click*

@Tylerosis

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.