On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
My patience has stretch marks.
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I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
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Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Him: Come check out my church!
Him: They play rock music!
Him: It’s cool!
Me: Does it have church in it?
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.