My patronus is a cheeseburger
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shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.