My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
You Might Also Like
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail