My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
You Might Also Like
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
hmmm
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Facebook memories be like
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.