My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
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I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
#Caturday
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
the simulation is moving too fast
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
🤣🤣💀
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”