@sweetmomissa

My personal brand is finding a missing earring the day after I threw the other one out

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@Shot_Of_Cabo

Can’t.. arguing with someone who thinks phone internet and internet internet are two different internets.

@ProdigyNelson

Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*

@TweetPotato314

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

@WriterWBipolar

Jim Carey is cursed with having all knowledge of the universe but when he tries to share it people just think he’s funny and laugh.

@huntigula

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

@KKAlThani

Here’s what I know about girls. If she’s angry, it will pass. If she goes silent, leave the country, change your name & start a new life.

@Rachelnoise

If by ticklish, you mean I’ll turn into a rabid chihuahua on bath salts if you come near my underarm, then yes I’m a little ticklish.

@daemonic3

everyone: GLOBAL TEMPERATURES ARE RISING

earth: *sticks one foot out from under the covers*

@NickBossRoss

“Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?” “Actually I think it was when you hit me with your car-” “WE GOT AN ANGEL OVER HERE!”