My personal brand is finding a missing earring the day after I threw the other one out

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Can’t.. arguing with someone who thinks phone internet and internet internet are two different internets.


Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*


me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?


Jim Carey is cursed with having all knowledge of the universe but when he tries to share it people just think he’s funny and laugh.


ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me


Here’s what I know about girls. If she’s angry, it will pass. If she goes silent, leave the country, change your name & start a new life.


If by ticklish, you mean I’ll turn into a rabid chihuahua on bath salts if you come near my underarm, then yes I’m a little ticklish.



earth: *sticks one foot out from under the covers*


“Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?” “Actually I think it was when you hit me with your car-” “WE GOT AN ANGEL OVER HERE!”