My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
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neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
The two types of wives
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”