My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
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When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
That’s no pocket rocket.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
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Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship