My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
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Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Planet of the Apps.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today