starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
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I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]