RT if you love puppies, rainbows or beating the shit out of strangers for not saying “Thank You”, after you’ve held the door for them.
My personal trainer told me to listen to my body at the gym so I punched him in the face and went to get some ice cream.
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If someone upsets you, write a nasty letter and file it away before you say something you might regret.
Then punch the person in the face.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
When my date told me he was a ‘culinary genius’, I replied, ‘Then this Brazilian won’t go to waste!’, and winked.
Now we wait.
Don’t hate on Americans for not learning a foreign language.
Hate on Americans for not learning English.
I slept like a rock last night meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Bob: Who is that?
Me:That’s Ted, he’s the opposite of a hypochondriac..
Ted’s arm falls off
Ted: Hey guys!
Bob: Holy shit!
Ted: What, I’m ok
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.