@KKAlThani

My personal trainer told me to listen to my body at the gym so I punched him in the face and went to get some ice cream.

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@Ilovelamp1979

RT if you love puppies, rainbows or beating the shit out of strangers for not saying “Thank You”, after you’ve held the door for them.

@TheDailySchmuck

If someone upsets you, write a nasty letter and file it away before you say something you might regret.

Then punch the person in the face.

@thatdutchperson

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

@GrandadJFreeman

In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.

@MartaEffing

When my date told me he was a ‘culinary genius’, I replied, ‘Then this Brazilian won’t go to waste!’, and winked.

Now we wait.

@NaaN_Conformist

Don’t hate on Americans for not learning a foreign language.

Hate on Americans for not learning English.

@Boleyngirly

I slept like a rock last night meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.

@TheHyyyype

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

@ImaFlyontheWall

Bob: Who is that?
Me:That’s Ted, he’s the opposite of a hypochondriac..
Ted’s arm falls off
Ted: Hey guys!
Bob: Holy shit!
Ted: What, I’m ok

@aka_fatman

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.