I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
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going to the ER y’all need anything
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I think the cat got the dog high.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi