My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
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My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.