My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
You Might Also Like
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started