My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
You Might Also Like
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I like crazy people until they notice me
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Only Americans understand
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
#Caturday
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”