@modernquixote

My pet rock likes to dent people’s heads. I don’t blame him

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@WilliamAder

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

@Brampersandon_

STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business

@fro_vo

[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok

@SoulYodeler

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

@ispypanda

If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.

@DanMentos

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

@House_Feminist

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies