@modernquixote: My pet rock likes to dent people's heads. I don't blame him
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@TheAlexNevil: Him: What's that, Boy? Timmy fell down the well? Lassie: Well I said "reservoir," but if you need it dumbed down for you, sure.
@UncleDuke1969: ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat. NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like? ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
@lollyadefope: ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
@EndhooS: Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear... Therapist: Is this true? Me: She's right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.