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[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I’m going to need a moment here.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.