My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
You Might Also Like
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”