@delusions_of

My phone always asks if I “trust this computer” like it knows something I don’t.

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

@simoncholland

[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”

@billingsley313

My pregnant wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked “Does it make my butt look big?” I texted back “Noo!” My phone autocorrect my response to “Moo!”

Please send help!

@ClichedOut

her: i’m a cat person

me:

her:

me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:7:”splegge”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3712632145/b42e5b52982e2f605a51020437381519_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”325988470726221824″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”91″;s:5:”tweet”;s:96:”If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@beefman138

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

@nbadag

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

@MdUNH

If you see a white guy in earbuds convulsing angrily with T. Rex arms, don’t freak out. I’m just jamming out to Eminem.