I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
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Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Brb my Sims are getting married
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire