Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
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[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
The second world war should have been called world war returns
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.