My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
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I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.