Calm down hipsters who clear your throats while pronouncing hummus. You bought it at Whole Foods, not a bazaar in Marrakech.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
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[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
“When it comes to racism…”
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Isn’t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don’t know what ironic means.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Well responded, Marine!
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.