My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
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I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
My last name is Zilla.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that