My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
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A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
wtf management?!
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics