My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
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I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Grow up never but we old may grow we
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.