5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
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I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.