My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
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Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Trying
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.