@StaceyShortcake

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

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@Eightinchgoat

Seattle outlawed plastic straws so now I’m snorting coke through a tampon cardboard applicator.

@TheRealPalMal

Friend: My sister got in a car wreck.

Me, not hearing what you said: What?

Friend: My sister got in a car wreck.

Me, still not hearing but trying to be polite so my friend doesn’t have to repeat a third time: Oh that’s nice! *nods head*

@BlindChow

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

@GrantTanaka

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

@DaddyJew

I save most of my sweet talking for different forms of potatoes

@brettryland

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

@CantWaitToNap

It’s Saturday and over 10 boxes just got delivered.

It’s like Amazon wants me to get a divorce.

@Brianhopecomedy

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”