My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
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Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy