My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

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Seattle outlawed plastic straws so now I’m snorting coke through a tampon cardboard applicator.


Friend: My sister got in a car wreck.

Me, not hearing what you said: What?

Friend: My sister got in a car wreck.

Me, still not hearing but trying to be polite so my friend doesn’t have to repeat a third time: Oh that’s nice! *nods head*


“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*


During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter


I save most of my sweet talking for different forms of potatoes


Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.


It’s Saturday and over 10 boxes just got delivered.

It’s like Amazon wants me to get a divorce.


Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”