Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
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it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Haha! 😂