@RowdyBerger

My phone can hold 5000 songs or 1 voicemail from my mom

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@h0sh1ko

GUYS THE TEQUILA KARAOKE GUY MADE IT TO AMERICA’S GOT TALENT AND ACTUALLY GOT FOUR YESES IM CRYING

@TheAlexNevil

Can’t wait to one day be a grandparent, to see my adorable grandson misbehave, then look at my son and say “Annoying, huh?”

@mollytolsky

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

@InternetHippo

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

@TomTheWicked

*puts kid in tub*

*checks twitter*

*forgets about kid*

*tweets*

*remembers kid*

*finds kid-shaped prune floating in tub*

@ch000ch

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird

@Tmoney68

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

@Ron_White

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

@Cavspc

Today I have been sober for 100 days.

Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.