My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
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Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
me 2 months after i graduated
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol