My phone changed “you wanna hang” to “you wanna bang”

and send……..

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“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.


When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.


My friend told me I’m delusional. I almost fell of my rhino…


I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.


adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane


Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”


Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”


I texted my wife with “ROTFHAHA” & she replied with “LMAO” so I don’t think she understands that I’m having a heart attack.