@envydatropic

My phone changed “you wanna hang” to “you wanna bang”

and send……..

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@AntozWolf

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

@GreenishDuck

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

@lize_tagge

My friend told me I’m delusional. I almost fell of my rhino…

@dumbbeezie

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

@Ditchful

adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane

@Fickle_Filly

Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

@bea_ker

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

@Brianhopecomedy

I texted my wife with “ROTFHAHA” & she replied with “LMAO” so I don’t think she understands that I’m having a heart attack.