@starrysappho

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*

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@ch000ch

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

@seamussaid

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

@MichaelTrying

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

@Douchekevin

A cash bar on parent / teacher interview nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.

@TheRealCDK1

Eat Salad they said….its healthy they said……you know what never gets recalled? Cake….I’m sticking with cake.