Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
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Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
pep talk
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
😆this is so true
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”