my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
You Might Also Like
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
You better watch out
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.